My Awful Christmas Poem

Over the years, I’ve received many Christmas letters containing an enclosed poem, most often a lame parody of “A Visit From St. Nicholas.” The meter is faulty, the rhymes wretched. One year, quite a while back, I was inspired by another famous poem which I doubt had till then served as the basis for a Christmas poem. ©1984, 2012 J. Guenther.

A Visit From the Christmas Maven

Once upon a midnight jolly,
weary from the Yuletide folly,
–decking halls with plastic holly,
rushing ‘round from store to store,
attending parties overlapping,
present buying and present wrapping–
I sat down and started napping
‘midst the holiday decor.

As I nodded, slowly slumping,
suddenly there came a bumping,
as of someone gently thumping,
thumping at my condo door.
I stood at the peephole, peeking.
“‘Tis some drunk a party seeking,
with his breath of eggnog reeking,
this it is and nothing more.”

On my doorstep stood a geezer:
hollow cheeks and purple beezer,
looked like he’d been in the freezer–
a hippie, from the clothes he wore:
Faded lavender serape,
walking stick and sandals floppy,
purple hat, and whiskers sloppy–
all Salvation Army store.

Laughing, I flung wide the portal,
prepared to have a little chortle
at this poor, unfortunate mortal
standing at my condo door.
“You’re a little early, Santa!
Come, I’ll get out the decanter…”
‘Fore I’d time for further banter,
“Santa” passed out on the floor

Moistened washcloth on his forehead
brought him to, his cheeks much more red.
He then, sitting on the floor, said:
“Nick’s my name. In days of yore,
Bishop Nick. Though now quite seedy,
I was rich, but never greedy,
gave my money to the needy,
presents to the very poor.

“Famous, once, from Bay of Fundy
to Cape Horn and back to Dundee…
oh, sic transit gloria mundi!
Saint Nicholas you now ignore.
Santa’s known to every Hotten-
tot and Chinese, Indian, Scot, an’
Filipino–I’m forgotten!
It’s “Santa Claus” you all adore!

“To the rich go Santa’s presents,
spending little on the peasants,
thus you’ve lost the Christmas essence,
chasing after more and more.
That fat guy in the red suit, he
pushes toys and other booty,
furs and gems and fashions snooty!
Gucci! Saks! Christian Dior!

“Beamers, boats and electronic
boxes blaring out moronic
network tripe in stereophonic!
Knick-knacks, junk, and stuff galore.
Once a year I have a mission,
‘fore the world goes to perdition,
to restore the old tradition,
make it like it was before!

“More religion and less business!
Put some Christ back into Christmas,
on each continent and isthmus,
that’s my self-appointed chore.
Now I think that I had best be
off. Thanks for the chance to rest me.”
Nicholas got up and blessed me,
strode right through my condo door.

I awoke to sunlight beaming
on the decorations gleaming.
Surely, I’d been only dreaming,
dreaming of St. Nick, I swore.
Glad that we’d not been hobnobbing,
to relieve my headache throbbing,
I began my forehead swabbing
with the washcloth from the floor.

J Guenther

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14 Responses to My Awful Christmas Poem

  1. peggylacerra says:

    Quite brilliant – really!

  2. Eddy says:

    Delightful! Thanks, Jeff.

    Eddy

  3. Gil says:

    You continue to amaze.

  4. JEFF… only you is all I can say! Loved it!!!

  5. Mary Jo Hazard says:

    Jeff,
    I loved the poem. You are so clever, it was really witty.
    I missed you at group lately, Dolores said you weren’t feeling well. Hope you get well soon.

    Merry Christmas,
    Mary Jo

  6. Georgeann says:

    You’re just as clever
    now as ever…
    Georgeann

  7. Anthony Alcocer says:

    I think as you do re: Xmas and Christ. You put it very well. Nice Xmas message. Tony

  8. Lively says:

    Loved it! Want t read more,,,Lively

  9. Dear Jeff, Thank you for sharing your Christmas poem. I agree with you on the need for a priority shift on the “reason for the season”. You are very creative and witty. You were always a highlight at our Angels in Training group. I look forward to seeing you at Trader Joe’s or…Happy, Happy Holidays, David

  10. Jeff,
    I love it! Kept a steady beat, and has me smiling. I think it’s “an oldie but goodie”!

    Xx
    Donna

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